a film review(ed)

As the characters prepare for the final showdown in the (brilliant) "Big Trouble in Little China," Kurt Russell, in his white tank top tucked into his white-washed jeans (see above photo for details), very seriously (because the film is very serious) exclaims: "May the wings of liberty never lose a feather." The line preceding Russell's exquisite gem involves words like "these," "colors," "don't," and "run." Top-notch material to drive the audience into the final adventure of an already adventure-filled film.

Rewind an hour and 15 minutes. Me, at Terence and Sabrina's. Despite Sabrina's hesitation, they'd invited me over to watch one of T's favorite films (it's okay, Terence. I still like you and respect [sorta] your tastes!). Sabrina read scholarly material in the corner; Terence and I sat with a bowl of d*ritos between us (the bag says they are now "better tasting" and I'm glad they decided to make this change. This is clearly a company that looks out for their customers.)

Fast forward an hour and 15 minutes and pause. Now, what exactly makes this one of the worst films I've ever seen? Well, again, one must recall Kurt Russell's outfit. This isn't your run-of-the-mill Richard Simmon's tanktop; it has authentic Chinese decorations! Neat-o! (but racialist and offensive, thus damaging this film's quest for title of "not-quite-horrible" film). Terence tells me you can buy an exact replica online. And this, my friends, is what is troubling. While it still causes certain amounts of duress to see this tank on screen, it's a whole new beast to see it live(!) on laypeople(!). They certainly would not know how to tame its magic, and this is the danger. Kurt Russell's tanktop on average people, I believe, could be as big a risk to national security as, say, French cheese.

Also, there is magic. And Yeti-like beasts. And men in large straw hats (that use said magic--more like blue laser light that looks kinda dangerous). These hats should be outlawed because they may cause traffic accidents. It's just not fair that these guys have to wear them, because they probably can't see as much of the world as those of us that aren't forced to wear them. They have rights, too.

I don't really know what else to say. This is a lame review. But the film was lame, too!, she cried to her mother defensively, slightly pouty. Terence, come to the film's defense.